Finding what’s always in-between
When I first started this blog in 2016, it was an opportunity for me to find my writing voice again. After years of trying to follow paths that were laid before me, I finally followed my curiosity and it lead me back to the blank page. Have you ever found yourself trying to restart an old part of yourself? The blank page is pretty terrifying. Your thoughts can go anywhere. Sometimes places you don’t want them to go.
The name Find A Lovely Life was something I created to remind myself that creating the life that I wanted was going to take time. I had a lot of rewiring to do. Finding is what’s in-between. The messy parts we don’t want others to see. The failures and the time it takes to define success for yourself. It’s uncomfortable. There’s patience in the finding. What if you find what you wanted and then change your mind? It’s scary to declare something so definitive to the world and then not want it anymore.
Time is different now
I used to do these yearly reviews. I still do. But I realized I forgot to do one as a wrap up for 2021. Maybe I wasn’t ready yet. We’re in year three of the pandemic. Time is different now. The world looks a lot different. Well, at least mine does. In order to process the pandemic trauma we’ve been collectively experiencing, I’ve spent a lot of time writing. Trying to process trauma through art is uncomfortable. Again, the blank page is a pretty scary thing.
I spent most of 2021 figuring out what I wanted to do next. In May 2021, I quit my 9-5 without a plan. It was the riskiest thing I ever did. You see, I’m a planner. I was always taught to have a plan. Built within my DNA, instilled in my upbringing, and reprogrammed into a necessity when I was diagnosed with Type-1 diabetes at fifteen. I’ve been in therapy for eight months now and I’m slowly detangling all the trauma I’ve experienced in my life. Maybe the pandemic was the final trigger; I had no more room to suppress.
I’m finding who I want to be
One of the most frustrating things about this pandemic is how people that meet me during this purgatory season, assume that I don’t go out. They label me a homebody when I’m just trying to survive and save a life. Due to my autoimmune disease, I’ve lived in isolation for most of the pandemic. When people continue to live their lives or dismiss the guidelines I’ve been abiding, it activates a new wave of grief. I was a traveler, I loved sharing meals with friends, going to the movies, taking dance classes. At the brink of 2020, I felt like I was finally doing all the things I wanted to do with my life.
When the pandemic hit, I was left no choice but to carve my way out of the person I was trying so hard to become. By opening up, I saw how much internal work I still had left to do. I’m all about sharing my journey but for the past few months, I was figuring things out for myself. I didn’t feel like I was at a place to give advice. Especially when I was navigating my own voices and giving myself the advice I needed to really hear, for the first time in well, ever?
I allowed myself to not give advice to others because I needed to advise myself. We’re working on the people pleasing but it’s something that’s still a part of me.
Finding a lovely life continues
For the longest time, I didn’t know what was next for this blog. I had so many ideas. Things that I will still get around to but I didn’t give myself permission to just be. To accept where I am now. And it makes me laugh because that was the whole point of doing this. To document my journey of figuring things out for myself and hopefully having those lovely life lessons make you feel less alone.
I’ve always believed that this blog will somehow be my legacy. To not put so much pressure on it, I think it’s just the thing I want to leave behind. A place where you can figure yourself out too. Words that will help you find your own way. Create your own lovely life worth living. I hadn’t written anything from the heart for a while because I wanted to give value to those that found this blog. And I realize now that the real value has always been sharing the moments where I didn’t feel like it was something perfect. Complete.
I’m not making any other promise to do this more often. I just want to allow myself to find what I need to on the blank page. Without the pressure of resonating with anyone but who I am in this moment. So, while I hope these words inspire you and help you find a lovely life. I don’t ever want to forget how important it is to find it for myself too. I often forget how cathartic it is to write so freely like this.
Some might think it’s private. Others, too personal. But who are we if we don’t speak our truth? If we don’t offer some sort of hope that where you are in your journey is okay. That you don’t have to be perfect. Or say what you want people to say. I think these moments are what make a lovely life. I was going to say I hope you think so too, but I’m trying not to force my realization on anyone anymore. If you resonate, great! If not, I do hope you find your own way. In your own time. It won’t miss you if it’s meant for you.