40 Days of Trusting the Unknown

I have a Magic-8 Ball. Sometimes it’s part of my writing process and other times it’s a channel God uses to communicate with me. I had been agenting for a year and felt like an imposter. I was trying so hard to live up to my fairy godmother name that no matter how much I thought the stars were aligned for things to happen when I wanted them to, The Universe would say––not yet. I felt so out of control in the waiting and the unknown that it sparked the question:

Why am I still so uncomfortable not knowing when something I realllllllly want is going to happen?

Trust issues? Whhaaaat? I don’t know her.

Whenever I ask a question like that, I have a tool I use to help me find an answer. I grew up Catholic and would always be the one that tried to work with God on some sort of big internal struggle or question instead of giving up chocolate for Lent. Although I identify as Spiritual now, I still honor the foundation of my faith in different ways. I like a 40-day challenge, especially when it involves going one-on-one with God just to hear Them laugh at me when I slowly unravel the layers of my big fat onion of truth.

When I decided to start this 40-Day challenge it was actually Ash Wednesday. Yes, God laughed. Usually, my 40-Day journeys don’t line up with Lent anymore…because I think we should go down the rabbit hole of healing whenever it’s our time, not when the church calendar tells you too, but alas, this time it lined up. Here I was hearing belly Mufasa laughs from above when I wrote on this blue post-it note: 40 Days of Trusting the Unknown.

I wanted to channel the unknown of the moon, the mystery of faith, so I added some moon dates for extra focused healing moments and a tagline because I have a marketing brain: let the magic happen. The first smiley face is mine. The second is not and came with another Mufasa laugh, one I did not find funny. (I eventually laugh with God, sometimes it just takes me a while #myego)

Strike me down

Day one of this challenge and I turned to my Magic-8 Ball for answers. Can you guess what I got?

CANNOT PREDICT NOW.

ASK AGAIN LATER.

BETTER NOT TELL YOU NOW.

Very funny, I know. Be careful what you ask for cuz God don’t play. I was in the unknown and the radio signal went dead. I was realllllly uncomfortable in the unknown. I couldn’t even say “trust the unknown” without gagging so that was goal number one. After a few meditations and affirmations it started to get easier to say and the more I shared about my journey with others, I realized it wasn’t tooooo bad of a deal with God. I could trust not knowing everything and that was okay.

Six years ago I made a different deal with God and realized I was almost done with my end of the bargain. I also realized in the independent programming I’ve been trying to unravel that I thought the deal was more of a solo match and not necessarily a group project. So in these 40-days I embraced the ah-ha moment and decided to write letters to God throughout the challenge. Some were conversational, others were in the form of a prayer and a few were a bit sassy. We agreed to figure out a way to work together again and trust in divine timing so there’s that…which I deem as progress.

Myth Bust: Unknown means do nothing

When I first started this challenge I thought the unknown meant I had to sit there and wait for things to happen. Which is not how we define patience around here but there was a lot of internalized feminine roles I had to work through to figure out the balance between receiving and going after something you want. I decided to be bold and I made a move on a crush. The rest is still unwritten but at least I put myself out there. (#SheTried) Which made me deal with some past versions of myself that still needed healing so everything’s not lost in the heart chakra. If anything it’s now open and ready to receive.

The unknown doesn’t mean don’t do what you want. It means follow what you’re guided towards and allow yourself to work with God towards achieving your dreams and your desires. It also means going into deep meditation and finding a past version of yourself that was actually trying to fill all her cups at once without leaving room for others to fill them too. Yeah, that was fun.

Keep an open mind and let go of the outcome. Don’t punish yourself by sitting back and feeling like you aren’t worthy of what you want. You deserve all the desires in your heart. Always.

Working with The Universe

There is a 40-Day challenge that is locked in a vault somewhere. It was called 40-Days of Trusting the Universe and I started it in 2020 right before the pandemic. It was after some miracle lightning strike and I realized I had to go all Rey in The Last Jedi for this one. I don’t think I’ll ever write about that one because I don’t think I need to share everything. Maybe I’m not ready to talk about the 40-Day Challenge that turned into a three year healing solo journey quite yet. Just know that it led me to who I am today.

I let God send me messengers this 40-Day challenge and embraced what they had to say. Most of the time it was a confirmation of something God had already told me in some way but it helped to hear it from someone out-of-the-blue which is unexpected and part of the unknown. A friend mentioned a sermon series from a church I had followed a few years ago and it really hit home. A beautiful lightning storm appeared and I realized that sometimes God really is working behind the scenes in some magical way and we can’t always see everything but it’s still happening.

I started my self love journey in 2016, my healing journey in 2020 and I finally allowed myself to ask for help in 2021. Which goes to show that you’re not really behind, you’re right on time. I’m a guppy when it comes to collaborating with others to help me heal and because I’ve done so much healing on my own, there’s a big chunk of unknown that’s coming into my life soon because the Ireland prophecy must be fulfilled damnit. (She is determined and believes.)

Love Unknown

God also talks to me through music. A lot of mornings in this challenge, I would put my liked songs from Spotify on shuffle to see what the song of the day was. What is the message today, God? Well, They answered and thought it was pretty funny. No, like literally. The song “A Message” by Coldplay would pop up a lot and that song NEVER plays when I shuffle my music. “2 Be Loved (Am I Ready?)” by Lizzo would also pop up but we’re not gonna talk about that one. Okay, cool thx.

Basically…I felt like the unknown was reminding me that I didn’t have to do things alone anymore. That I could still be love and work on myself, but I didn’t have to stay on the Irish island that Rey did…oh wow I um. Damn, God is still working through me right now ya’ll, sorry about that. Um, where were we? Oh right – community. My word for the year. I focused on that and embraced receiving new friends and opportunities as they came my way.

As you know, I always have a book for these challenges. A few weeks in I was complaining to God that I didn’t have a manual for this one. Was this another “unknown” thing? Going in blind and all that? Well, serendipitously the book found me at the library and I started reading. You all know how much I loved Jay Shetty’s first book, Think Like A Monk and his second book, 8 Rules of Love was just what The Universe ordered. I found out that a few of my neighbors were also reading the book and we had an impromptu alignment book club, I mean I can’t make this stuff up.

I think the book taught me a lot about the patterns I had been repeating in past relationships and it made me reframe what I asked God for. So we’re working on that…I can’t see it coming OBVIOUSLY. What did you think? I was going to have an answer for why all this happened? Have you not been reading this? It’s unknown.

I. Don’t. Know.

Which is now a phrase that now rolls off my tongue like my favorite curse word. Shit. I don’t know.

Who didn’t want to trust the unknown?

We had a hunch. It was 15-year old Monica and I don’t want to put her on blast because I love her and she is worthy and it’s okay that she has such a hard time not being in control because we were literally reprogrammed to always be in control of our body when we were diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. And…also have a hard time trusting ourselves because our own body betrayed us.

I love therapy, ya’ll.

I had a rough mental health week with my type-one diabetes during this 40-day challenge and it made me do another intense meditation that helped 15-year old me grieve the pivot point of what could have been our life. Pandemic me popped up too so we just had a big ole grief party. Yay, healing!

Which, goes to show it’s okay to not know all the answers. Especially if you haven’t been able to heal past versions of yourself. There might be a version of you that you don’t have access to because they’re kinda like dominos or Russian dolls in that way. After I had that moment with her, it made room for 16-year old Monica to surface and we had to work through some new stuff there too. What do you think happens in these challenges for me?

Anyways, healing is a journey and you need to just take it day-by-day.

Especially if it’s new and part of your unknown. Trusting the unknown is a process. It takes time and you’re not going to master it overnight. You don’t have to mastermind your way into trusting the unknown you just have to be. So let it be. And go find that lovely life you been dreamin’ about. Leave room for The Universe to surprise you. Ugh oh. I just gagged. Oh no. Not another one. Well I’m out. That’s it for now.

How to embrace the unknown

While I love sharing my experience in these 40-day challenges, I also love to provide tools for those right side noggins who need logistical action. So, here are some ways you can practice trusting the unknown:

1. Go on a hike and have a map but follow your instinct. Be safe, obviously don’t get so lost it’s dangerous! There’s always something nervy about not knowing which way to go and following a path that’s been semi-drawn out for you. Follow it and see where it leads you.
2. Embrace nature’s seasons. If you find yourself doing a 40-day challenge in-between seasons, use this as an opportunity to check in with yourself. What traits of winter helped you heal? What new blooms in spring can help inspire you? We’re always in different seasons of life, let nature remind you that it won’t be like this forever.
3. Practice receiving. We’ve talked about this before, it’s even been a 40-day challenge. How can you welcome or leave space for The Universe to surprise you? What are some things that you don’t need to always control? How can you go with the flow more? Leave some slack on the rope, lovely. You don’t have to let go of the rope, just give it some slack.
4. Trust the process. It’s okay not to know the answer to something. You’re not going to fail the spelling bee if you don’t know the next word. It’s okay to be wrong about something. Remember that The Universe only has three answers: Yes, Not Yet or I Have Something Better In Mind
5. Embrace past versions of yourself. If something triggers you, figure out who or what is behind it. Take it as an opportunity to learn and embrace every part of you. Spoiler alert: they may be the reason why you’re having such a hard time trusting the unknown.